Chapter One of See How She Fights

Let me preface this by saying.... this has not been edited yet.  So, please forgive the lack of comma usage, or any weird grammatical stuff you may find!  Enjoy the first chapter!

CHAPTER ONE

 

 

            I awoke drenched in a cold sweat for what seemed the millionth time in the past month.  Every night I closed my eyes with the single hope of a restful night’s sleep only to be greeted with a foul phantom.  Xavier’s visage appeared each night bringing with it nightmares both old and new.  As I lay there, staring at the ceiling, I wondered if he were really dead.  I took a deep breath trying to clear away the remains of his latest taunt.  He couldn’t be real.  I killed him.    

            I looked over at Kennan, lying peacefully in the bed.  I pondered what I would tell him when I woke him up.  I had been trying to hide my nightmares from him for the past month and I knew he was beginning to suspect something was wrong. 

            I took in his face as he rested.  His eyelashes fanned out on his cheeks and his face relaxed as if there were nothing in the world to worry about.  A knot formed in my stomach.  I knew the moment I woke him up and told him everything would change. 

            I gritted my teeth together and tried not to be angry at the universe or whatever kept dragging me into this mess.  Selfishly I wanted things to remain the same.  I longed for my life with Kennan, our wedding, and even someday a family.  I wanted a future that did not include subterfuge, violence, and pain.

            If I were ever going to make that future a reality I had to stop hiding.  I swallowed down the lump and pulled up my big girl panties.  It was time to face the music and find out just what the universe wanted from me.  I couldn’t ignore the not so subtle hints of my nightmares any longer.  Stupid universe, always getting in the way.

            I nudged Kennan’s shoulder trying to wake him up which caused him to sprawl more, almost making me fall off of the bed.  One would think with a California King there would be plenty of room.  Not with his giant self.  Stupid Guardian.  Ugh, I needed coffee to deal with this.

            “Kennan, wake up.  I need to talk to you.”  I said, trying not to giggle as he pulled me against his body nuzzling my neck.

            “Woman, you better be waking me up for a good reason.  You know I don’t do mornings.”  he groused.  Kennan was an even worse morning person than I was.

            “First of all, it is eleven.  So stop grumbling.  Second, I really do need to talk to you.  It is kind of serious.”  As the words left my mouth Kennan’s body grew rigid.

            “What’s happened?”  he asked, fully alert.

            “So, I have sort of been having the nightmares again.  I don’t know why or what they mean, but I have a bad feeling Kennan.  I feel like something wicked this way comes, if you know what I mean.” 

            “How many Izzy?  How many have you had?”  his voice barely masked his anger.  Apparently my jokes were doing nothing to diffuse the situation. 

            “Three or four a week for the past two months.  Originally I thought it was just some sort of Post-Traumatic Stress disorder.  But they just kept coming.  Now I can’t seem to shake this gut wrenching feeling that everything is about to go to hell in a hand basket.  I’m not explaining it right.  Ugh.”  I threw myself back into the pillows exasperated.  Not only was my future about to get jacked but I couldn’t even properly explain what was going on. 

            “What happens in the dreams?  Is it more of what happened back at the lab and the Council?  More importantly, why in the hell didn’t you tell me Izzy?  I could have been helping you instead of wondering what was going on.  I was starting to think you didn’t want to marry me.”  He sat up in bed to stare down at me.  His wickedly tattooed body beckoned me.

            He still took my breath away.  His dark wavy hair was mussed from where he had slept and he had a shadow of growth on his jaw.  I loved when he left just a bit of scruff, it felt amazing against my skin.  I needed to get a hold of myself.  Serious topics needed to be discussed and here I was wanting to climb atop Kennan and ride him like some sort of rodeo bull.  I shook my head to clear the thoughts away and get back on track.

            “I didn’t want to worry you.  I know it was stupid so don’t give me that lecture.  I was just trying to deal with it on my own and not put you through my crazy again.  Besides, I was always aware that it was the dreaming this time.  Even the nightmares were like watered down versions of themselves.  Bah.  This sucks.  I just wanted to get married and have a wonderfully fluffy future with happy rainbows and a unicorn or two.  Is that too much to ask?  Instead I have to be the all powerful Seer, savior of the universe.  I thought that my superhero costume was finally retired.”  I said as I buried my face in the pillow allowing my self-pity to run rampant.

            “Unicorns don’t exist Izzy.  So that future is implausible.”  Kennan said as I glared at him for dashing my imaginary future.  “Izzy, you know you have to call Isadora, right?  There is a reason she gave you that number.  I am pretty sure this was it.” He continued on as if I weren’t giving him a withering glare.  I needed to start practicing these faces in the mirror.  I must be doing them wrong, they never seemed to produce the desired effect. 

            “But I don’t wanna.”  I whined gaining myself an annoyed look from Kennan.  “Fine, I realize I am being petulant.  I just thought that maybe, just maybe our lives would be normal now.  Besides, we have a life here Kennan.  What if she says we have to come back to Illinois?  As much as I would love to see Molly and Ian again, I really don’t want to leave here.  This is our home now.”  I was beginning to resign myself to my reality.  I needed to call her.  I just didn’t want to.  Besides, she had probably already seen everything that was coming. 

            “Call her.”  Kennan said, getting up from the bed.  He walked over to the dresser and grabbed his phone tossing it back at me, sparing me a hard glance before turning to leave the room.  I stared daggers at his back.  Okay, so they were probably more like toothpicks, I didn’t have the angry face down quite yet.  Why did I love his bossy Guardian self again?

            I stared down at the phone waiting for it to magically disappear.  I wanted to remain in my happy bubble of existence.  No matter if the bubble were a figment of my imagination or not.  I swallowed deeply resigning myself to my fate.  If I were being completely honest with myself, I knew it wasn’t over.  When we’d left the Council months ago, I’d had the feeling that it had all been the beginning of something more.  Why did I have to have such a heavy conscience?  I breathed in and out for good measure before finally pressing send on the phone.  It only rang once before Isadora answered.

            “What took you so long?”  Isadora asked smoothly.  She never ceased to creep me out with her all knowing self.  I hoped that I would not be that way when I was her age.  I had about a hundred and twenty years to worry about that yet.

            “I was practicing my repression and avoidance techniques.”  I said snarkily.

            “How did those work out for you last time my dear?”  She asked without a hint of emotion.

            “Fine, okay, I should have called sooner.  I get it.  Moving on.  The nightmares are back.  Which you obviously know since you are getting on me for not reaching out sooner.”  I said rubbing my hand down my face, a gesture I had picked up from Kennan.  He did it whenever he was exasperated, which I was becoming.

            “No need to be snippy young lady.  I did not, in fact, know about the nightmares.  I just knew that you were stressed about something.  I kept seeing you look fretful and upset.  I knew you needed to reach out but that you would do so in your own time.  So, here we are.  Tell me everything.”  She paused patiently, waiting for me to spill the beans.

            “The nightmares started up about two months ago.  I thought all was well and then out of nowhere they showed up again.  The common denominator in every last one is Xavier.  He shows up at the end telling me that it is not over.  He keeps telling me that there is more to come.  In this last one he told me ‘I was nothing compared to what is to come.’  Then I wake up and question my sanity.  I feel like something is coming.  Something bad.  I haven’t seen anything but I can’t deny what my gut is telling me.”  I finished hoping she understood the jumble I had just spit out.

            “Well, this is certainly no good.  Do you have any idea if he is still alive or not?” 

            “No.  That is the part that scares me the most.  I thought that he was finished.  I thought I had watched him die.  It wasn’t until I watched that surveillance video at the Council that I began to doubt it.  I am not sure what to believe where Xavier is concerned.” 

            “I have been seeing some things lately.  Things that are quite disturbing.  I really don’t want to discuss this over the phone.  Do you think that you and your dear Guardian might be persuaded to come back to the Council?  I really would like to clear this all up with you in person, my dear.”  Isadora might have posed it as a question but I knew that it was more an order than a request.  My fears brought to life, we were going back to Illinois.

            “Let me get things arranged with Kennan and I will call you when we are on our way.”  I grumbled, knowing good and well there was no use in fighting it. 

            “That would be lovely dear.  We will set up a room for you.  I expect to see you by week’s end.  Until then, stay safe.  Oh, and have Kennan block your dreams.  I need you well rested when you arrive.”  Isadora hung up the phone before I could even sputter a quick goodbye. 

            I sat there staring at the accursed thing.  In that brief conversation my whole future had shifted.  It looked like the wedding was on hold and my life was back to being a jumbled mess of chaos.  I yelled out and threw the phone on the bed.  I furiously put on my robe and headed downstairs.  I knew it was silly for me to be so upset, but ever since this Seer business started I’d felt like my life was not my own.  I thought that once we brought down Xavier all would be well.  I knew deep down that it wasn’t true but I had disillusioned myself for so long that I had started to believe the lie. 

            I looked in the kitchen and found Kennan cooking breakfast.  I walked up behind him, wrapping my arms as far around him as I could manage.  His butt hit my stomach and my face barely reached the middle of his back.   He was my anchor in this world of chaos.  I knew that I needed to start telling him when the bad stuff happened.  The last time I tried to do it on my own he had almost been killed.  I needed to suck it up and just admit that I had a role to play.  The life I longed to build had to be put to rest for the greater good, at least for the time being.  It didn’t mean I had to be happy about it though.  I buried my face in Kennan’s back and breathed in deeply. 

            “What did she say?”  His voice vibrated against my ear.

            “She says we have to be in Illinois by the end of the week.”  I sounded drawn, even to my own ears.

            “Well we need to make arrangements then.  After breakfast I will call some of the other Guardians and schedule a meeting.  If what you said earlier is right then we need to be prepared for whatever is coming.”

            “But Kennan,” I sighed into his back, “we have things here.  What about my garden?  It will die without me.”  He laughed and the vibration was a comfort to my weary soul.

            He turned around to look at me.  His eyes full of laughter.  “Izzy, your garden is already dead.  I think it will do better without your constant attention.  It is the brownest plot of land I have ever seen in my life.  In fact, I think the local nursery has put your picture up with a ban on any future purchases.  You are a plant murderer my love.” 

            I smacked his arm and moved over to pour myself a huge cup of coffee.  I needed liquid reinforcements.  I glared at him the entire time I fixed it.  Not that he was fazed.  He just went back to cooking and ignored my angry glances.

            “I am not that bad.”  I mumbled as I plopped down in my chair.

            “It doesn’t make me love you any less.  It just means that I will have to do all of the gardening when the end of the world comes.  Otherwise, we may starve.”  He snickered as he brought the bacon and eggs to the table.

            Some days I wondered why I loved him so much.  He really was a giant pain in my rear.  On top of that, he never let me get away with anything.  In all of my romance novels, the men fawned over their women giving them whatever they pleased.  Granted, I probably would not love him as much if he did that.

            I looked out the window at the brown plot of land in question.  Stupid garden.  It wasn’t even my fault.  I grew up in the city where there were no wide open spaces to grow things.  How was I supposed to have picked up that life skill?  I wasn’t hundreds of years old like Kennan, the ridiculous old man.

            We finished breakfast in companionable silence.   Kennan seemed to be trying to form a plan to protect me from my own stupidity while I was trying to form a plan to get out of my inevitable future.  Maybe I had a long lost twin out there that I could pawn the fate of the world off on.  After everything I had seen, it was highly plausible.

Life Lessons with Izzy: Patience

Patience.  It is not a virtue I embody, to be sure.  In fact, I tend to be the very opposite of patient pretty much always.  Yet, life came along and gave me one of the very best lessons in patience I ever could have asked for.  My daughter, the Squish.

Before Squish came along, I tended to rush through everything.  I wanted to get where I was going and be there.  I was unable to slow down and enjoy the ride as much as I should have been doing.  I wanted to know the outcome before I ever took the first steps.  In fact, if I could get to the end without going through the middle, I would. 

Then came Squish.  She is a unique soul that tends to take her time in whatever she is doing.  While some days I would like to speed her up and get her moving, I have learned to step back and watch as she takes in the world.  Recently she started Pre-K and we live close to her school, so we walk every morning.  I have learned to leave the house a little early each day so that she can stop and look at all of the amazing stuff that draws her attention each morning.

This morning, we stopped to marvel at a slug, which she had to touch to show me how it sucks its antennae into its head.  We also got to see and amazing spider web built from the branches of a tree all the way to the ground, some lawn gnomes, a caterpillar, and all sorts of other things.  She reminds me that there is more to life than the destination.  She has taught me to slow down and enjoy the journey.  Instead of rushing her through her life, I have learned to take a deep breath and do my very best to learn patience.

In Izzy's case, she knows that there are people around her who have seen the future.  Isadora, for instance, knows all that is coming her way.  (And since I write what I know.... Izzy is super impatient).  Izzy wants to know what Isadora does.  She wants to see what is coming her way, but Isadora, much like my Squish, is trying to teach Izzy a very important lesson.  Some things take time....

Excerpt:

“I am not at the luxury of doing what is best for the moment my dear, and neither are you.  We are the keepers of the future.  With that comes the gravest of responsibilities.  No matter how much we may want to change things to stop the hurt of the present we can’t.  We must suffer the pain of those around us to ensure that the intended future stays on course.”

“Well that just sucks.”  I said leaning back against the seat.  I was going to make a terrible leader.  Isadora handled it all with such grace and here I was moping.

“Indeed.”  She said before sitting next to me.  “It sucks quite a lot.” 

See How She Fights (The Chronicles of Izzy #2)

xoxo,
Michelle

Life Lessons with Izzy: Future

The future.  It something I simultaneously anticipate and fear.  I have no idea where my life will take me, I have no idea where the road may lead me.  Yet, somewhere in my basic makeup, I always long to know of what is in store for my life. 

I look back on what my life has been thus far and realize I would not be where I am today had things happened differently.  I know for certain that every step I have taken in my life has led me to this moment, right now.  Had one thing happened differently I may never have written a book, married my husband, or had my wonderful daughter.  I think back on that and it makes me wonder about my future.  I wonder how the steps I am taking today will affect the life I lead ten years from now, or even twenty.  What will those days hold.

While, I don't have Izzy's talents, I do know that I can control today.  Tomorrow may be out of my grasp, but the actions I take today will lead me to tomorrow.  Whatever I do in my present has a direct effect on the outcome of my future.  So, though I wish I could look into my future and see what the days ahead hold, I am content to live all of my todays as brilliantly as I can. 

 Instead of worrying about what the tomorrows may hold, I am content to live my todays.  Looking to the future isn't a bad thing, but spending all of our time focused on what may come ruins what time we have now. Unfortunately, Izzy does not have the luxury of living only her todays.  She does have a glimpse at what her future may hold.  Both through the visions of others and her own.  She knows that if she doesn't stop what is happening in her present, the future will be abysmal. 

“How can you see me?”  I asked.  She was still very much alive.

“Because we are bound, you and I.  My past shall be your future unless you can fight what is coming.  Now go, before he sees you.”  Cait said pushing me out of the memory.  I was starting to get sick of people doing that to me.

(See How She Fights Excerpt)

xoxo,
Michelle

Blog Tour Info!!!!!

So, I am doing my very first ever blog tour.... I am both thrilled and terrified.  If you have been following along on my author page, you know it starts tomorrow!  Eeeeep!  At any rate.... The link below will take you straight to the schedule page with all of the information.  I hope you all follow along!

xoxo,
Michelle Graves

http://www.bookmonsterpromotions.com/2013/09/michelle-graves-see-how-she-runs-blog.html
 

Life Lessons with Izzy: Honesty

I was recently asked in several of my blog tour interviews what my pet peeves were.  My answer was always the same:  bullying and dishonesty.  I will leave the bullying bit for now.  What I want to focus on is dishonesty. 

I come from a family that holds you to your word.  What I say has weight and if I use my words to hide the truth or cover up for something I am ashamed of, well I am hurting myself more than anyone else.  Honesty is something I have been taught to value.  Yes, there are times when lying would be easier. 

Let me rewind for a second and clarify what I mean by dishonesty.  I am not talking about the white lies we tell everyday, the ones that spare people's feelings.  I am talking about the big ones.  Ones that hide things from people, that could eventually hurt one or more of the people involved.  I am talking about lies of omission.  I am talking about the lies we tell people and turn around and stab them in the back when they least expect it.  I am talking about lies that could well change a person's life.

Whether it be a rumor or something you withhold thinking that you are protecting yourself or someone else....ultimately the lie will out and it will hurt worse than the truth ever would have.  I have been fortunate in my life to only feel the brunt of either form a few times.  Nowadays I don't have to deal with fear of anything like this happening.  I absolutely trust the people closest to me and I know I am doing my best to teach my daughter what it means to be honest.  That her word carries weight.

Unfortunately, for our intrepid heroine, this is not the case.  People keep withholding information.  They are keeping her in the dark for fear of what may happen if she knows the truth.  In the end, the lies hurt her worse than the truth ever could have.  Dishonesty is an overall theme within See How She Fights.  It is something that shapes the story and informs the growth of Izzy.  Her actions could have been completely different had the truth been spoken from the start. 

“Funny.  Listen, I would have told you.  You have to believe that.  I wasn’t trying to keep you in the dark.  I just wanted you to have a few months of peace before everything got shifted again.  I wanted you to be free from this world for a while.  Maybe give you time to adjust.  Hell, maybe I was just being selfish.  Maybe I wanted to keep you to myself for a while.  Whatever the reasons they will never be enough to you.  I know that and I know that Isadora was right, I should have told you the minute she knew.”  He finished, falling to his knees in front of me.  His face was pleading.

Life Lessons with Izzy: Choice

I love this quote from Harry Potter.  It is so relevant to Izzy's life in this book.  And quite frankly, it is relevant to my life as well. 

I posted a Life Lessons with Izzy last time that dealt with choices and making the decision whether to be happy or sad.  I also did a whole section on change.  Well, this post relates back to those a bit. 

I guess I should start off with me, and having to choose between right and easy.  I am sure you want me to get right to the nitty gritty of revealing a snippet from See How She Fights.  Alas, I am going to wax poetic about my life first.  (Fair warning, this one gets a bit dicey.)

Choice.  Some things in this life I have absolute control over, while others are entirely out of my control.  To preface this, just so you have the chance to jump ship if you wish, this post is going to be about how depression has shaped my life and the choices I have had to make to overcome it..... still here?  FANTASTIC!  Let's carry on.  (See, I am totally procrastinating.... just like in the other life Lesson).

My depression is not something I can control.  It is not something that I can magically wave a wand and make it disappear.  It is something that sweeps in out of nowhere and threatens to pull me under.  I have dealt with this never ending ebb and flow since I was a teenager.  Back then, I just thought I was angsty and emo. I had no idea that the feelings I was dealing with were abnormal.  I had an amazing life.  I made great grades, my parents unconditionally loved and supported me, I had great friends.... yet somehow I always felt like I had a darkness pressing down upon me. 

I am one of those rare and strange creatures... I am an optimist that also suffers from depression.  As a coping mechanism I became overly happy about everything.  I would put up a front to protect myself so that no one saw how I was really feeling.  It all came to head when I was in high school and turned to more destructive behaviors to cope with my issues.  (Those of you that know me well know what those were, but I don't want to go there just yet.  I am not quite ready to open that up for the world.)  When my mom found out, she was heart broken.  She had no idea I had been dealing with the pain that depression brings. 

Once I faced up to the problem, things started to get better.  Then, in college, depression reared its ugly head again.  This time I ended up broken out in hives because I felt so overwhelmed by everything going on in my life.  A lot was changing very quickly and I mentally could not cope with it.  I saw the signs.  I knew what was happening.  I was falling back down that dark hole that had trapped me for so much of my adolescence.  I knew I had to make a decision about my future and quickly.

You see, in my case, my choice was simple.  I could choose to let depression rule my life.  I could let it blot out all happiness and hide in shame from my issues for fear of what people might think of me, or I could choose to find help for myself.  I wanted a better life.  I wanted to be able to face the day without worrying about being pulled under.  So I talked to my parents, and then to a doctor and I was put on medicine. 

Through the years I have dealt with mild depression off and on.  I have learned to control my depression now.  I can see the triggers, and know when I am slipping under.  Luckily, these days those times are few and far between.  I have my husband to thank for that.  He helps me keep myself in check.  He can see it coming before I even do, and when it gets too bad, I am not afraid to ask for help.  I don't need it all of the time, but when I do I am no longer afraid to ask. 

So whatever it is that you are putting off, whatever it is that you fear.... sometimes you just have to make a choice.... otherwise the choice may be made for you.  I chose not to let my depression define me. 

In this book Izzy is faced with a huge decision.  She has to choose what her future is going to be, and it isn't an easy choice to make.

Excerpt from See How She Fights:
"... You still have a choice Izzy.”  Kennan said gently.

            “No, I really don’t.  Not if I want to be able to look myself in the mirror everyday.  If I walk away what happens to the Seers?  What happens to the future of the Council?  If this is where I am meant to be, how can I turn my back on that?  No matter how scared I am, I can’t let Seers die if there is something that can be done to stop it.  So no, I don’t have a choice.” 

            “You did just choose, you know?”

 

xoxo,

Michelle

Life Lessons with Izzy: Procrastination

So, here is where I will be completely, utterly, and unabashedly honest with all of you.  I am, perhaps, the Queen of Procrastination.  I am pretty sure I need that embroidered on a pillow somewhere, but let's get serious, I would just be putting off the embroidery until later.  My tendency to procrastinate used to drive my type A mother insane.  I would always say "It will get done."  When my mom really wanted it done right then.  Even as an adult I procrastinate about everything. 

I think the only thing I don't procrastinate about is arriving places on time.  With that, I tend to be ridiculously early.  Otherwise, I will put things off until I can't put them off any longer.  In college, I would wait until the day before a paper was due to write it.  In my adult life, I wait until the morning before people come to prepare for their visit.  I just can't seem to do things unless I am backed by a sense of urgency. 

Aside from the everyday tasks, that I am sure everyone puts off, there are more important things that I procrastinate about.  What, you may be asking yourselves, or the computer?  Well, writing See How She Runs is a prime example.  Almost two years ago I started writing the novel.  I put it off for two years before I finally found the courage to finish it.  This is the sort of procrastination I really want to talk about. 

Every last one of us has faced a big decision in our lives.  A crossroads where you must make a decision which way you will go, or what your next step may be.  If you are anything like me, you hesitate as long as you possibly can before committing to anything.  I find myself procrastinating the most when a huge decision is weighing on my shoulders.  If the situation puts me out of my comfort zone at all I ten to put it off as long as possible. 

In the case of writing the first book, I knew that I would eventually have to publish it for the world to read.  I would be putting something that was a huge part of me out into the world to be judged.  What if people hated it?  What if people didn't relate to my characters?  Ultimately, in the grand tradition of self-preservation, I put it off until the characters became insistent.  They began to demand their story be told.

Izzy, being much like me, has a tendency to procrastinate as well.  Whenever there are big decisions to be made, she puts them off as long as possible.  Mostly because she knows that whatever comes next will flip her world upside down.  But, ultimately she learns that procrastinating will do her no good in the long run.  If you wait too long to decide, the decision just may be made for us.  And, really, it is so much better to be in control of your own destiny.  So stop putting off whatever big decisions you have been putting off.... jump into the fray.... and perhaps together we can face our futures bravely.  (Or put it off for another day.)

(And now the part you have all really come here for, the excerpt from See How She Fights)

        I gritted my teeth together and tried not to be angry at the fates or whatever kept dragging me into this mess.  Selfishly I wanted things to remain the same.  I longed for my life with Kennan, our wedding, and even someday a family.  I wanted a future that did not include subterfuge, violence, and pain.

            If I were ever going to make that future a reality I had to stop hiding.  I swallowed down the lump and pulled up my big girl panties.  It was time to face the music and find out just what the universe wanted from me.  The not so subtle hints of the nightmares finally had their way.  Stupid universe.

xoxo,
Michelle